Reviewing Amazon Reviews

There are a lot of really weird and absurd amaon reviews. Today I’m going to review some of those reviews because a lot of them are not helpful and are simply just dumb.


Horizon Organic, 2% Reduced Fat Organic Milk, 32 Ounce (Pack of 6), Shelf Stable Reduced Fat Organic Milk, Great for the Pantry, Carton Locks in Fresh…

First up we have some organic 2% milk that is “great for the pantry.” Sounds like a great product that will have some really great reviews.


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What is going on with the wording and grammar? “unguaranteed milk”? What does sediment being “plugged into the mouths of the children” mean? I’m really worried about the “plugged into the mouths of children” thing. Are they going to choke on the milk sediment? Is she saying that sometimes you can get your kids to drink it, “plug their mouths with it”? Is this some cruel torture method? I don’t think we’ll ever know. I give this review a 2/5. This review makes me very worried for the children, whoever they are.


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How can you not tell that your milk is spoiled? It has pieces in it. According to wikihow there are 4 ways to tell if your milk is bad. One, does it smell bad? If it does it’s bad. From the reviews I read this milk doesn’t smell bad when it spoils for some reason so whatever. Two, if it has lumps in it, it’s bad. Three, if the color isn’t pure white it’s bad. Fourth, verify the best before date. 2/5. Please inform yourself on how to tell if milk is spoiled or not.


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What the heck is milk fat. I really don’t like the way that sounds. Is it cream or like something else? I’m concerned. 1/5. It leaves too many questions to be a good or helpful review.


Gerber 2nd Foods, Beef and Gravy, 2.5-Ounce Jars (Pack of 24)

This one is really interesting. There are A LOT of reviews saying that they fed this to their dog or cat.


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I just find it slightly weird that people are feeding things other than babies baby food. It’s just… weird. Also I’ve never heard baby food described as smelling delicious. Also this person says they only feed their dogs “real food” which is just such a condescending statement. Overall this is an actually helpful review though so I give it a 4/5.


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This one is just nasty, but I really don’t understand the low low rating because like, there are always going to be those factory mishaps. This happens with practically every food they make in a factory. Relax a little bit. This isn’t going to happen in every jar of baby food. 2/5. Too harsh.


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This one is just something. The all caps, the notion that it was just “ok”, and the whole throat cancer thing. It’s interesting. I mean there’s not much I can say about this. It’s a masterpiece on it’s own. 3/5 not very helpful. But your wife had throat cancer so it’s ok.


Overall these reviews were very bad and unhelpful. Please leave actually helpful reviews, thanks. I was going to put some science behind why people leave really stupid reviews but it’s 9:30 and I’m getting tired so this is all you get.

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